otterromp's Journal

2:59pm: Patterns persisting
Some of my favorite bathroom reading material is the quilt magazines I have. Smoe of them are handed down from my Grandmother's stuff, some are brand new cutting edge art quilt publications.

I've been workig my way down the stack of Quilt magazines deciding which to keep, and which to pass on, interspersed with new arrivals in the mail box. I finished looking through a few 'Quilt World' magazines published in the 70's and the next one I looked at was my brand new Fall 2005 issue of 'Quilting Arts' magazine. It (and its sister publication 'Cloth, Paper, Scissors') are some of the most exciting stuff out there for multi media artists.

At first, it struck me how much quiting has changed sines its upswing in populariy in the late 70's... but then I looked more closely.

There are still quilters who love intricate precise handwork, others who love to mix and match, some who do simple patterns with stunning color choices carrying the work. In both eras, the artworks created by women (and men) are drawn from thier lives. Their surroundings and spiritual paths are illuminated by the choices of pattern and fabric made.

In the 1970's magazines, I found a Goddess quilt (a 1960's-stle art piece), a quilt made using chrochet work to attach the blocks to each other, and others using shiny polyester to illustrate childrens's stories. Even a pattern drawn from the Hanna Barbera cartoons shown then. (Yes, the Deputy Dog pattern was included :-}

I am pretty happy to be creating today when paint and beads and raw silk cocoons and anything the mind can figure out how to attach are showing up on art quilts, but I have a lot of respect for those artists in the 1970's (and of course, centuries before) who used what they had, to convey what they wished to.



My Folk Art Aphrodite

2:20pm: Use-It-Up Stew
Use-it-up stew.

I make this at the change of the seasons, Winter to Spring and Summer to Fall. I take the dry stuff we have in canisters (rice and beans) and some kind of smokey meat (this time its bacon) plus any other meat that should be used up, veggies from the garden or the freezer, and put it all together with appropriate seasonings (to taste)

Its really a magical exercise, the blending of the old to make way for the new. I love the summer to fall one, becasue it allows me to add garden grown herbs, and a few peppers, and so forth. It also feels good to cook stick-to-your-ribs stuff as the weather is cooling. It begins the 'hunker down' process for winter. I tend to make it spicy, to add to the warming factor :-}

Because its just we two, I end up sticking most of it into the freezer for meals. Its nice to pull it out and heat it up and remember the summer just past.

The winter to spring session is nice too, as it sort of kicks off the spring cleaning :-} I usually have a few herbs just starting I can add, and can throw in fresh spring greens at the last minute too. That tends to get eaten fresh, or put in the freezer in meal portions just before adding the fresh stuff, to use as a base with whatever produce finds its way to the house when we need it.

This process makes me feel close to my grandmothers and great-grandmothers. The philosophy of using what can be used, and adding enough to make it delicious. The sese of waste not want not can be potent magic for prosperity in and of itself.

12:13pm: Visit Home
Yesterday, Oscar and I drove to see my folks.

It was good to see them, its the first we've been together since my grandparents' estate sale (Mom's folks)

Mom and I sat and went through some old pictures, She was absolutely adorable in first grade :-}

I found out she had been in a play in in high school, I don't remember her ever saying that. All but one of us kids has been involved with theater at one point or another, I told her that now I knew it was her fault :-}

She had a box of old tintypes. What a lovely time! Searching the old faces for hints of family characteristics.

Mom gave me two pins that had been Grandma's, and some old turquoise canning jars iwth zinc lids (destined for canisters in my kitchen) and a few other bits and bobs. She had a box full Oscar put into the car. When I looked, I found some stuff I'd sent to my grandparents from Japan, as well as a coloring book where I wrote my name (looks like I was in kindergarten at the time :-} that Grandma had kept all these years.

A lot of the magic that happens in my kitchen is when I make the recipes that draw me closer to those women in my past. I still haven't acheived the level of brilliance mom gets with her pot roast, but I keep trying. For Grandma Miller, its a dish she and I tried together for the first time, called "Chicken Livers Hawaiian" and making jams and jellies.
For Grandma Metzger, its a a few recipes. One is for Cocoa Drop Cokies. My Aunt put that recipe into a collected cookbook they did where she worked at the Federal Center in Battle Creek. They aren't very good cookies (Grandma always skimped on the sugar, but then, she did have 12 kids to feed) What really evokes Gradma to my mind is a recipe she called Rivvlies. Its home made noodle dough in chicken and stock. They are sort of like Spaetzle, but thicker. As she did, I always mix it without measuring, it depends on the size of egg you use, you see. Then I "rub" (the word Rivvlies comes from) the dough into pieces and let them fall into the boiling pot of chicken and stock. yum. I can stilll remember standing on a stool beside her next to the stove, and her letting me rub the dough and drop it into the pot, with the steam clouding the windows, and the snow piled high outside.

Oscar has a box of family recipes. He doesn't cook from it much, but often, especially if he's having a rough week, I'll make some popovers from his grandma's recipe.
Oscar was married before, but lost his wife to a pulmonary embolism far too young. She had a recipe based on Boeuf Bourguignon. She cubed the beef and let it cook a bit longer, and it became a wonderful addition to their travelling food. I fix it now, when we go on road trips, as I know it brings him happy memories, and its good to add more happy memories to those :-}

3:37pm: progress
A while back it became very clear that I could no longer do the full load of ebay sales and do anything about keeping the house up, so we decided to only sell on ebay on alternate weeks. It was also becoming increasingly difficult for Oscar to do the post office runs, or buy as much stock now that he's taking classes again.

Because of reducing the load, I was able to make inroads on cleaning house, and have actually cleared a large space in the living room!

The kitchen is closer to fine too :-}

As a reward, we went shopping and I found a sturdy but light weight folding table measureing 2 feet by 4 feet, large enough to handle the wall hangings I'm working on for Indelible Spirit, and large enough to have the sewing machine AND an ironing space set up!!

As soon as I get the final polish on the living room floor, I'll be ready to go. :-}

I also managed to sort a huge basket of fabric scraps into batik vs non-batik, sort out two color sets of scraps for quilts for two of my nieces, and sort the batiks into color subsets (green, blue, purple, pink-red and yellow-orange)

Its a long way from done, but I have the basic system in place for when I delve into sorting my studio now :-]


This only doing ebay half the time may actually work!!!

health news:

I have been running a higher fever every day for the past 3 days. Its up to 99.9 now and my muscle aches are constant. (my normal is 96 to 97, and its been running 98.8-ish). I've aso been sleeping a lot, so that's good. Everything is set for the induium scan though. insurance authorized it, and the appointments have been comfirmed for the 2nd and 3rd.

4:46pm: Late July
We've harvested all the currants and gooseberries and put them with the raspberries I froze earlier. I think I'm going to macerate them in some high octane white rum and make a cordial of some sort. Good for a taste of summer in midwinter.

The lingonberries are blooming and berrying, but not close to ripe yet.

The madder is seeding again (and sorry for those of you who didn't get your madder seeds, life got weird this year). the good news is I found the seed envelopes! So I'm all set for this year's crop of seeds to share.

The birds planted a lovely patch of sunflowers just outside my studio window, I will let them go to seed, to provide entertainment and interest this winter :-}

I haven't planted my female holly bush yet, nor the hydrangea, nor the Sarah Bernhardt peaony. Still thinking about the best place to put them.

Mountian mint grew this year! I planted it Spring 2004, so it was a lovely surprise, it really does have a wonderfully distinct scent. I think it will make lovely tea, I hope to have more next year. I will gather seeds to plant.


Speaking of lovely tea, the bee Balm (scarlet Monarda, probably didyma) is blooming very well, in two patches, one in front of the holly hocks, one behind the bird bath (made from an old otter fountain)

I need to move my Heuchera. Its hidden in the encroaching anglica and monk's hood. I will let the monarda spread there, too. Its right next door, mixed with some daisies it will look good and wildylike.

Behind it is some mint, planted in a difficult patch. I want peppermint for tea, and hope this will be controlled enough that it will stay there and maybe spread to the lawn. (I love the scent of herbs when the lawn mower goes over them.. )

The pink rosebush (one of those ones with loads of roses, growing low) is actually growing up into my variegated Dogwood! When it blooms again, it will look fantastic :-}

A black rasperry bush invaded my bosenberry and golden rasperry patch, so i went out today and cut all the unawanted stalks down close to the ground. I have another patch of wild black raspberries, and the thorns are too much to go through to reach the boysenberry.

Like my friend Ysabeau's yard, my garden has its own "zone" magic. The boysenberry isn't supposed to do well here. Despite a very cold winter, its thriving! I've trained some of the stalks up on the fence, and over away from the golden raspberry.

Those golden raspberreis were one of the first to ripen this year, it was so lovely to go out and pick them, and let the sun explode n our mouths :-}

Some of the Japanese Mugwort I grew two wears ago volunteered this year. I harvested some of it and its drying for dream pillows.

The Korean Spice bush, that I thought was killed in the winter, sent up a stalk a month ago. now it has buds! I get to smell it soon!
It was an ebay purchase, so I'm delighted.

I was feeling really crappy today, its funny, going out in the yard a few times really perked me up :-} I'm tired, but I seem to have sweat out a few poisons or something, as my bone-deep ucky is almost gone!

Some good news perked me up too. My Mother-in-law, may blessings rain down upon her, is providing me with away to go back to school. So I am going to do it, if I can find a degree program I can do online :-} I hope to find something I can parlay into a way to make some money, while working around my limitations.

So, I have lots of happy web browsing ahead :-}
Any suggestions welcome. I'm considering web design, or fine arts, or a combination of both. I am particuarly interested in learning how to market myself as a textile and assemblage artist, and in doingf websites specifically for other artists, or for nonprofits.

It will feel good to be useful again, and to be working toward something to better myself. the 2 (and a half) degrees I got in my youth aren't very useful for my life as it is now.

health update:
they think now that I may have a chronic infection of some sort. I am scheduled to take a two-day test called an indium scan. After that, hope they can find something to get me feelign more like normal. :-}


Buddha after cat-nipping

2:09pm: moanings and groanings
Ok, although there will be other stuff that crops up, this will mainly be about my health. As this is a boring topic for many folks, I don't blame you if you'd rather not read any further :-}

The main issue right now is, I haven't had a spleen since I was 14, which means I have a compromised immune system. I am currently fighting a systemic infection. We aren't sure where the main source of the problem is, but I am having xrays Tuesday to see if I have osteomylitis (a bone infection) in my ankle. My ankle has been getting proressively more painful, and weaker over the past few months.

The insurance company nixed the ct scan, and I haven't had any more major sympoms (other than an ocassional flash of pain) of the diverticulitis (had an attack last week) so that is on the back burner until I see the doc on Thursday. I went on a week of Cipro (antibiotic) last week, but instead of going down, my whie blood cell count went up, and my fevers got a bit worse, so, sytemic infection-wise, I'm worse off than when I started. I currently have pains in my abdomen and ankles, as well as a sinus infection, dizziness (from an ear infection, I think) tight chest, slight cough, sore throat sore muscles and joints and over all yucky-ness and fatigue. I am still having acassional chest pains, but the nitro takes care of them. The results of my stress test (took that last Monday and Tuesday) have disappeared somewhere. I am certain they will turn up. I hope to hear them between now and when I see my doctor Thursday.

When they have me the Cipro scrip, they said if it didn't work, the next step was IV antibiotics, in the hospital. We'll see where we are when I see my doctor Thursday. I am allergic to vancomycin, the antibiotic most used for this stuff, but there are other things they can use, thank goodness.

In the meantime, I am going to clean as I feel up to it, and take it easy the rest of the time. I am excited about my drawings for the Indelible Spirit show, and am working on some of them, to see which I want to submit. I have the rest of the month to finish one of them (or maybe more!) the cool weather is helping ALOT. I have had fewer chest pains since the heat and humidity lessened.

In the meantime, I feel a little driven a bit to put food in the freezer (did that yesterday) clean the house (am working on that too, the kitchen is almost done) and have plenty of books and hand work, in case I need them in the hospital to keep sane. Oscar has been lots of help with the houese. If I DO go in, I want to come home to a few clean rooms, to help me rest and relax and heal up from whatever happens.

Below is the green dancer so far, I think her hands are too small.

1:02pm: NEW WHEELS!
I am getting a wheelchair!!
This means I can actually shop at places that don't provide scooters!!
This means that I can go more places and do more things.

When I get my clean bill of health, it means I needn't worry about the distance between my van and the pool, I can wheel most of the way there. It means I can ride my way up into the van on the chair lift, and not hurt my belly climbing in :-}

Its a loaner/gift from the Center for Independent Living here in town, and we need to buy foot rests for it, but it will be good! Eventually, when I buy my own, I will return this one, with the foot rests so someone else may use it next.

I wonder if they'd mind if I jazzed it up a bit with some of my sparkly paints?

No news yet regarding my stress test (taken Monday and Tuesday), it seems the results were sent to the wrong doctor and they are still tracking them down.*sigh* I had a CT scan scheduled for an unrelated thingy on tuesday, but the insurance company nixed it. I'm waiting to find out what my doc would like me to do next. I can't really say I'm sorry to miss the radioactive shake thing. (yuck)

It is a beautiful, crisp sunny day here, and i am relishing it after the humid heat we've been having. (Yay!)

The kitchen is ALMOST clean (yay!)

The gooseberries and currants are almost ripe, and the raspberries are giving a few a day now :-}

I am workign on a new design for the quilt I will be submitting for the Indelible Spirit show. what I was working on just stopped dead in the water.

I want to do a dancer.

7:10pm: Ability, Disability and leaving room for joy
While replying to someone on an email list for challenged crafters, some thoughts came out I wanted to share here.

There is a common philosophy that wishing will make things better, that as long as you keep trying to do things, eventually it will work. Although of course a positive attitude can do some good things; a positive attitude is different than believing that if you just try hard enough you can over come every obstacle.

That belief is not very realistic. Its as important to face facts, as it is to stretch yourself until you reach those boundaries life has given us.

Many well-meaning friends and relatives offer suggestions on how we can do things we want to do, things that we used to do with ease. Anyone who hasn't lived your life has no clue what basic rules you need to live by, that you didn't have before. Its a hard process, learning those new rules. It makes no sense to keep doing things that make your life worse.

Friends aware of my weight problem often offered to be my "walking buddy" Hello! I'm not supposed to stand more than 10 minutes at a time. I think they thought that if I just put my mind to it my arthritis would get better or disappear. Being stubborn, I operated under that assumption long enough to do some major damage the first few years after I was diagnosed. I hope I've learned my lesson not to push myself too far. (Those suggestions came from love, and recently another friend has agreed to be my swim buddy instead. :-}

It can be difficult for the people in our lives to understand when we try and explain why a proffered suggestion won't work for us with our current cababilities. Many even come to believe that we refuse to entertain hope. That we are purposefully viewing life with a negative attitude. They tell us to 'buck up' that if we would only try one of their suggestions, we might again be able to (fill in the blank).

Repeated failure to accomplish what you wish can begin a spiral of depression, and self castigation, a sense that the fault lies in your lack of will power rather than in circumstances beyond your control. You begin to feel trapped by those failures, and hesitant to try new suggestions, in case it leads only to more disappointment.

If you can somehow step back from that cycle, are in more balanced frame of mind, and life lets you breath a bit, you can come up with something on your own that you can accomplish that will help you have a more fulfilled life. It may not be the same thing you used to love doing, but it can make your life better.

In my case, I used to hike for miles and miles every weekend. I went rock climbing, white water rafting and danced on stage in a play or two. Many of those exact activities are beyond what is sensible for me today. Once I am in a wheelchair, I will take up dancing again. For now, I do a lot of chair dancing, and drumming. When I lose some of (ok, a lot of) my weight, I might be fit enough to use that wheelchair to get out on some nature trails in local parks. Right now, I go outside and spend time in my garden. Its not the same, but it does feed my soul in a similar fashion.

The one thing which is inevitable is change. If you can keep breathing, keep living through each day, celebrating what you can no matter how little, things will change. I find they ususally change for the better. Making space in my life for enjoying something tiny (like noticing a blue jay has discovered the feeder in my back yard, or that the plant I thought winterkilled has sprouted anyway) makes some space inside for those bigger joys to come. It sounds very trite, but it has gotten me through stuff. I'm a very different person today than I was even 6 years ago, before the major surgery that caused some lingering problems, and before the arthritis really took hold. I was married to
a mentally unstable man who self-medicated with alcohol and became violent. Before going through that experience, I would not have appreciated the beautiful man I am married to today. Despite everything, despite the things I can't do, I consider myself blessed. Doesn't mean I am chipper charlie every day, but it means that deep-seated joy is there to come back to.

My next big hurdle is taking my 342 pound body to the public pool. It will be difficult, but the results are worth it. Still, I'm scared spitless when I imagine walking into that locker room the first day.

I am determined to get over it, the swimming will feel so wonderful and freeing, it will be marvelous to exercise with almost no pain! I will try and concentrate on the benefits rather than that fear, and hopefully, eventually, that fear will subside.

5:18pm: herbs
I got some herb harvesting done. I cut great swaths through the catnip, comfrey and lemon balm, and took enough marjoram and sage to have a supply for the winter. I can always harvest more in august, if I think I NEED more. Probably will need more marjoram. I also took a bit of costmary, to see if it smells as good dried. The scent reminds me of teaberry gum.

The mountain mint isn't yet in blossom, but the leaves smell lovely! I can hardly wait to make a cup of tea when the plants are a bit more mature.

I still want to go out and braid some sweetgrass for harvest. Its the first year I've felt I had a thick enough growth to do so. They are planted in a somewhat shallow basket, so they don't mix themselves up with the lawn. The sweetgrass looks a great deal like normal grass, the only way I can tell the difference is the vanilla scent.

It looks like our first golden raspberry is ready to pick. I like to give the first one to Oscar, he gets such a charge out of it :-} I'll surprise him with it tomorrow at breakfast, I think.

TOday I noticed we have some wheat or barley that sprouted somehow!!
Looks like just enough to harvest for Lammas, and perhaps make a woven star to use for Imbolc :-}

The picture below is of Vervain, no signs of it returning yet this year, unless its mixed in with the weeds near the rosebush/peony patch. That's next on the list, I think.

I finished weeding around 3 of the garden areas, still need to mulch two of them.

1:52pm: Overgrowth and underplanning
Our mower broke a few weeks back, it was old, and we'd received it free, so we put it out for someone to rescue (or for the trash men to taketh). In the meantime, I had those somewhat undependable folks coming to mow. When they didn't work out (Gooseberry killers!) we had planned to buy a new mower... Wwell, that's been put off for a while. Now we have the makings of a pretty decent jungle out there. My current plan is to take some bricks, add some elbow grease and create definate borders to the planting areas. Then, and ONLY then I will trust my neighbors grandson to come over and do his thing. I need to do this in part because our garden is organic on several levels. Regarding the conventional definition, we don't use any fakey fertilizer or commercial pest adjustments. On another level, the garden designe was determined by where the sun and shadows were, combined with where each plant "told me" it wanted to be. I've moved a few things, but the result is a free-form design I'm quite fond of.

So it will remain a jungle for at least another week. The reason for urgency? Last night I had a dream that we came home to perfectly manicured lawns, and the ragged remains of what was promising to be a pretty decent patch of currants and gooseberries :-}

I have an organic framework when it comes to creativity as well. By that I mean almost always I have a general idea of the project I'm working on, but then let iit grow on its own as I create. I call it leaving room for serendipity (doo-dah).

As an example, when I was doing a set of Artist Trading Cards with the theme of the 4 elements, I cut 4 strips of heavy weight stabalizer (Timtex) of the same width measurement as the height of my cards. Then I got out a few bags of scraps and the sewing machine, and proceeded to randomly sew down a collection of scraps for each of the strips that spoke (to me) of the respective elements. Afterward, I cut them to size, added some beading and embroidery determined by the configuration of the random scraps of that card, then bound them using a blanket stich and two or three layers of embroidery floss. I love how they turned out, but I really had no idea eaxctly what was going to happen when I started.

Some months ago, I committed to creating an art quilt for a show called "Indelible Spirits". Each participant is dealing with a physical or mental challenge. As usual, I really didn't have a thought-out plan or visualization of the finished piece.

About the same time, I received a kit I'd ordered for creating a small wallhanging using English paper piecing. I was interested in adding to my skills in various forms of handwork. Handwork is very impotant to me because I have to spend a certain portion of the day with my feet up. Watching tv without my hands being busy drives me nuts, and even the bibliophile I am gets tired of reading eventually. I bought that particular kit because it had the widest variety of shapes, and even toyed with the idea of following the directions for the project. Instead, I read the basic paper piecing instructions, hacked a chunk off each of my fairly large collection of batiks, (and some hand dyed cotton lame') and made a few of each shape from each fabric. Then I had the complete and utter enjoyment of sewing one piece to another, fitting as they would. My only 'rule' involved trying not to put two peices together that were too similar one to another.

This left me with two largish chunks of abstract form, 6 octagonal formations (each of slighty different design), several small grouping of 3-5 pieces each, and a number of leftover individual shapes.

By the time I was putting together the large forms, I knew this was the core of my competition quilt. I wasn't certain what I would end up with, but this really spoke somehow to what I wanted to convey about the challenges I'd come up against in the past few years. It hinted at the plus sides of my life now, in that I have TIME to learn and implement new techniques, and the broad metaphor of piecing my life back together also rang true.

I let the chunks sit in their bag for about a month, knowing the next step (choosing the background) would come to me when I least expected it. Last week one night as I was falling asleep, it came to me. I wanted to use a piece of vintage silvery grey roughly-woven silk I'd purchased on ebay 4 years earlier.
The colors of the hand-dyed cotton lame' would subtly fade into it, while the brighter batiks would glow (I hoped). I let the idea stew a few more days, then I went for it.

I cut a chunk roughly the dimensions I needed, and painstakingly basted the two larger chunks, then the octagons, and last the bits and pieces onto the silk.. I didn't like it, but let it rest over night. The next morning, it STILL looked crappy, and I asked Oscar for advice. He is STELLAR at determining relative value, while I have a tendency to get distracted by all the pretty colors :-} It was as I suspected, there was no flow, and very little contrast the way the piece was then.

SO I painstakingly took apart all that I'd done the day before. And slept on it. The magic happened. I know EXACTLY what the next steps are, and I even have a vision of the final quilt. (sort of) I will have the larger pieces toward the center, running roughly kitty corner, then will add the octagons and the other pieces in close alignment as if they are breaking free. I will border the silver silk with a wide band in a darker fabric (probably a mottled hand dye in deep midnight blue and black) and use some of the shapes cut from the grey silk and batiks to "bleed" over into the first frame. The outer frame will be a narrow binding, possibly in red.

Over the paperpieced motifs, I will applique something, perhaps a celtic spiraling shape, or an image of the world tree. At this point in time, I'm thinking a triskelion. I want to have two. One in a dense black, with a narrow width to the line, and another, with a broader line, slightly off-set, in black tulle, to show the colors dimly behind.

I will quilt it in spirals, I think. Then I want to add some glittery embroidery, and some beads here and there.

Who knows what it truly will end up looking like. That's a great deal of the fun for me :-}

*riding off into the sunset, shouting my new battle cry "SPOON!"* (oh, wait, that's the Tick's)

Uhuumm (clearing throat)"yadda ydda.. shouting my Newest battle cry "SERENDIPITY DOODAH!!!!!"

10:30pm: random ramble
Not certain what I'll end up writing about, but I do wish to write every day, so here goes.

I still feel pretty tired today, considering I slept 2 or 3 hours longer than usual.

Did a little catch-up sewing, fulfilling some past commitments.
Watched a an episode of Stargate Atlantis as well as a few SG1's (LOVE our DVR) while I was working on that.

Packaged a few ebay items for shipment. I enjoy seeing where everything is going.
This week (so far) we're shipping to Hollywood, CA, a small town in North Carolina, and Australia, among other places.

I may do some more sewing, since I have the machine out, but that will probably be the sum total of my ambition tonight.

6:30pm: yuck
Highlights:
chest pains led to visit to ER last night, all checked out ok, but was told to keep taking aspirin daily and will go for stress test in 2 weeks. I think it was a combo of stress, heat, insomnia. solved by taking xanax daily instead of once or twice a week.

Will check with my doc about weird blood pressure numbers (apt on Monday). Usually I'm a steady 110 over 65 or thereabouts, hospital tests ranged all the way up to 160 over 85 and an even weirder 135 over 40

Brand new purple swim suit arrived, it would have fit if I could have gotten the bodice pulled over my widest part, I bought the size to FIT my widest part, but the suit design was pretty useless. Also, hard to climb into it because of good old uncle Arthur(itis). I am proud that when I called to return it, I didn't give up on the idea of swimming, but ordered a 2-piecer to replace it.

Worst part of chest pains is scaring Oscar, but I know it would have been worse to NOT go and have him wake up to the pinnacle of them in the middle of the night

Still feeling tired, woozy and ucky, decided best way to feel better was to bring in a bouquet of flowers from the garden. It worked :-}

8:57pm: harvest - ode to green tomatoes
We're just heading into First harvest here, June 21st is the traditional day, particularly to harvest herbs. I plan to gather catnip, lemon balm, comfrey, sage and marjoram for drying, and perhaps some raspberry leaves. The Bergamot (monarda) has yet to bloom, but maybe I can gather enough for a few cups of tea. There is some mountain mint that sprouted. I planted seeds last year, but they never came up. Must have been waiting. It's not bloomed yet, but maybe by next week. We've already had some of our strawberries, and the other fruits are ripening well along, but won't be ready for a few weeks yet.

The first fruits harvest has such a different feel from the last harvest of the year. By the time last harvest rolls around, you've had tomatoes fresh from the vine for at least a month or more, and you could be getting a little tired of fresh cheese and tomato sandwiches for lunch (well, I never do get tired of them, but some folks might). When you expect frost, you go out and pull the entire vine, sort out the red and almost red tomatoes to eat or process that day, or to set on the kitchen windowsill as a reminder that summer does come again. The green tomatoes, oh boy, I LOVE green tomatoes. They are specially good with a light coating of flour, fried in left over bacon grease and eaten between two slices of fresh baked buttered bread (but these days that's a rare treat, for health reasons). They are passable in a pie, seasoned like apples (but I like apples better). They shine as pickles and relish though, if you can't have them fried. They alos are a fine addition to anything you might use zucchini for, if you don't have sufficient zuccini for the dish (ok, that's a gardener's inside joke.. there is ALWAY enough zucchini).

First fruits, are confirmation that you DID live through the winter. My garden, three years old now, is beginning to come into its own. As always, there are things to change around, beds to be tweaked, and so forth. I'm not able to get out there and mow like I'd wish. I had some folks coming to mow, but they have a few strikes against them: A gooseberry bush was decimated but that wasn't the worst. I saved part of a cane and planted a new bush next to the still-leafing stump, so it all worked out. The biggest thing is they would say they were coming a certain time and not show up at all that day. I can't have that. Drives me nuts! I like to run around in the all-together, especially on hot days, and I HATED getting clothes on only to find out hours later I sweated and was uncomfortable for no reason. I haven't called again, even to let them know I will no longer be calling. What could I say? "Your business practices are interfering with my need to be nude."?

Ah well, time to de-stress a bit. I'll rummage around and find my feathered boa, ankle bells and Kali finger puppet, and do an impromptu sacred dance or something. (Think I'm joking? see pictures below. You can have your own Kali finger puppet by going to www.northernsun.com. She comes with her buddies Brahma, Ganesha and Garuda.)

4:12pm: propagation
I had a very satisfying 10 minutes of garden work just now.
We have an arc planted of alternating gooseberry and currant bushes. Oscar's grandmother loved serving gooseberry syrup over ice cream, and my Grandmother always had a red currant bush behind her house that she used for making jelly each year.

Our first year here, we ordered a nice selection and planted them, last year we had our first few berries, this year we have LOADS! Well, loads compared to last year. Maybe enough for one jar of gooseberry syrup and one jar of currant jelly :-} Or one mixed smallish batch of wine (yum)

Today I took my handy ratcheting secateurs and snipped off one non-bearing branch for each bush, then stuck it into the ground a bit away from the mother plant. There has been plenty of rain the past few days, and plenty of rain forecast for the upcoming days, so that's all they're likely to need for setting roots :-} We have lovely fertile sandy loam. I hope the soil wherever we end up will be as nice. In the meantime, I will treasure what we have :-}

I want to have a gooseberry bush to share with my sis-in-law and maybe a few currants and gooeseberry to share with my family, perhaps my Mom-in-law would like one also.

So much future production from 10 minutes work!

(I wonder how many new mothers have said that?)

gooseberries - unripe Hinomaki Reds

12:49pm: Wow, look at me! writing two days in a row! (My goal is to write every day)

I have taken another (small) step towards health. I looked up the pool schedule for the local rec center. The Meri Lou Murray rec center has a fully accessible pool, complete with ramp and an area roped off for warm up, nice for those less-abled. I was impressed teh last time I visited.

I printed out the current schedule and checked out how much it would cost. New schedule starts next week.

The classes cost about $2.20 per day (it would be $3.30 if I weren't handicapped - bonus?) if I get a punch card. $4 and $5 per walk in if I don't get teh 10-session punch card.
Just to use the facility, it costs either $5 per day, or $170 for a year pass (I calculated the year pass would become cheaper than the day pass after the 34th session) no reduced rate for handicapped-ness.

Last time I tried the water-based exercise I ended up wrenching my abdomen and taking a week to recover, so methinks I'll forgoe the classes these days and just try and warm up then do laps. Its hard to believe that in my hey day I swam 3 times a week, doing 2 miles each day. I'll be ecstatic if I can churn out a lap the first time!

I really adore swimming, once I get into the groove of it, its a fine form of meditation, counting down the laps, the use of my whole body..

I especially love getting into the water and just walking, gravity practically disappears, and the constant ache of the arthritis almost is negligible. Hell, I can run in place ifn' I wanna!

Looking at the entire picture, the benefits SO outweight the detriments. There is really only 1 negative, and that is my emotional response to the attitudes of a few rude folks. I am braver than that (I hope)

So, I will buy a pair of swim goggles and rubber thingy for my head. (Hey, mayby I can find a way-out one with technicolor daisies or lilies or frogs or armadillos or something on it) and then work up to going.

(the kanji on the banner I made below is one that means courage, if I remember correctly, either that, or new beginnings.)

5:02pm: balance and priorities and stuff
Part of my character is to have my energy spread around among a multitude of interests. Somewhere along the way I got the idea into my head that if I choose one thing (craft, skill, task) to concentrate on, ALL the other things will somehow become inaccessible. The upshot is I have more pies than fingers. I keep hoping I've learned differently, but time after time I end up over committing my energy, winding up under stress to finish things on time, or having my own personal projects languishing about half finished.

The illness in the past few years has forced a narrowing of vision on me. This part was a good thing, I must admit. BUT when I regained some of my mobility and energy, the same pattern started to emerge. I do manage to wrestle it into submission, but its something of which I keep needing to remind myself. (try and construct THAT sentence ten times backwards :-})

One method which I keep coming back to is to set a narrow parameter of tasks each morning (or sometimes the night before). Today the winners are Kitchen cleaning, making an on-going tape of Coronation Street for a friend (thus freeing up recording space on the DVR in the bedroom), editing part of Sherri's manuscript (done), packaging things from Ebay sales and completing a Sekhmet wallhanging for Sherri. I try to balance the tasks among housekeeping, computer work, and crafting. Whatever appears to be the furthest behind or closest to being finished for good (i.e. Sherri's wallhanging) wins my attention for that day.

It seems to work out ok, but I would definately benefit from NOT committing to so many projects. I'm not going to list them all here, as I would find that discouraging and counterproductive :-}

I had hopes of joining the group for adult literacy here in town. When I looked at the schedule of training classes, I realized that during those 3 weeks, I would be able to accomplish very little beyond laying down at home after coming back. Too much time spent with foot down and belly compressed (sitting) results in time needed to recover lying flat on my back, sometimes up to a full day. So, Maybe next year, or maybe I can find another way to contribute. Maybe after I have more weight loss, say next year, I will be able to look at the situation again. I'm currently losing about a pound a week, for which I am very greatful.

I need to evaluate my priorities, I think. For example, if I can get a few types of patterns ready for sale, I can cut back on the other ebay stuff, freeing up more time (for me AND for Oscar), so that is a fairly high priority.
If I can get some of the house in order, it will assist me in 1. Space for creating and drawing out the patterns and 2. Maintaining sanity. Having a messy house raises my stress level waaay too much.

Some of the things I want to have in my life are writing, exercise and creative outlet with real live people somewhere other than my computer screen.

re: Writing, well, this livejournal is a step toward that. I want to try and write every day, failing that, as often as I can. It seems to prime the pump a bit. The other thing I'm doing that helps is editing for Sherri and her book. Damn its a good book! Its making me itch to write.

re: exercise, Best-case scenario, I go to the public pool. Problem with that is the last few times I went, I had very very hurtful (although silent) encounters with folks staring at my vast bulk then whispering. Didn't used to bother me. SOlution: Sherri has said she would love to go with me, she might provide a buffer for me until I can raise my courage again, I hate feeling like such a wimp, but there it is. Other forms of exercise are limited to what I can do thrashing about on my own, not nearly as effectinve, and besides, I absolutly adore swimming.

re: creative outlet outside the house. again, I am beginning to feel afraid to encounter folks outside, because I am so vastly overwieght. solution: GET OVER IT! Maybe I need to make a commitment to myself to attend a local handwork session held at Borders, maybe the first time at least, with my sis in law Lynnie. She has been so supportive, ever since I met her. She is truly a jewel of a person. The stuff she's dealt with in her life has just polished her into a better being :-}


Overall, I have made overtures to adding these things, but I am afraid of taking on another project (like writing for publication) just yet. So, I write in the live journal, and listen for a good idea, meanwhile clearing the decks of some of the past commitments, and avoiding future commitments. And trying to make commitments to bettering my life, instead of random crafting goals.

With the help of Oscar, I have already made a huge space in my life. I used to cook a lot more, making things for Oscar to take to work, and freezing stuff to help on the days I don't cook. Since getting the grill, Oscar has taken over the vast majority of the food prep. I'm using this time to get caught up on the stuff I overcommitted to, and when that's done, I will try and have a balanced life.

Wish me luck!

2:24am: opportunities and family traits
I have an opportunity this month. A friend who owns a quilt shop wants to sell some of my patterns. I've created a few applique patterns with Pagan and Goddess themes, just for myself, but she thinks they would be popular with her customers. In a strong case of serendipity-doo-dah, I just today completed an online course in drawing, brushing up those drafting skills. My first step is to look at how other folks are packaging their similar products, and ask for some ideas :-} I will also take an informal poll of my Pagan quilting buddies and ask what they like and dislike about patterns that are out there now.

As I was using the short term meditation room (aka the bathroom) I examined a pieced quilt called "African Coins" and puzzled out how it was made. It was only in a photo taken to accompany one of my favorite regular features "Popser's Playground", no accompanying pattern, but it would be pretty easy to use some graph paper and make one of my own. It was a cool quilt, mostly becasue of the fabric choices, but I mentally filed it away in case I want to make a similar one later.

This had me remembering my Great Aunt Ruth, the woman who first had me holding a needle, embroidering some cherries on what I now know is called a "Penny Square", made with an iron on transfered pattern on white muslin. I'm sure my stem stitch resembled a bit of a zig-zag, but I fell in love with creating. She lived with my grandparents, helping to raise my mom and my aunts and uncles, and when our turn came, all 30-plus of we older grandchildren. We loved her a great deal. She always had time to talk and tell stories, and stuff us with butter and sugar on bread :-}

Ruth was born with a severe cleft palate, a humpback (a larger more crooked version of my own very prominent but centered widows hump) and later developed severe arthritis (osteo, like mine, as well as rheumatoid). She didn't have much money, mainly a small income she made from babysitting for the family, writing articles for Guidepost magazine and such. She loved to tat. She couldn't afford to buy patterns, so if she found a picture of a project advertised, instead of sending for the directions, she puzzled out the pattern and made it herself.

Her hands were as gnarled as any I've ever seen, but they were also more limber than many. She could hold out her hand, palm flat to the floor, raise her index and pinky fingers, and TOUCH THEM TO EACH OTHER across the back of her hand. I STILL can't do that despite years of trying :-} (well, I can if I cheat and squeeze them with my left hand :-}) She said the tatting helped to keep her hands limber.

She died when I was a sophmore at MSU. I still think of her often, especially as I sit and stich. Its comforting to know some things are carried on. The physical, sure, that's not so great, but I would find it difficult to trade the creativity she helped nurture, or the skill to make an idea into reality we might share in our genes, for smoothing out my back, or getting rid of the arthritis. Maybe difficulties and blessings go hand in hand. If I were 100% able, I wouldn't have the time to create I enjoy now.

When I was younger, I loved hiking, rock climbing, white water rafting, dancing. I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't miss it sometimes. I'm damned glad I did it while I could. Sometimes, I'll wake in the morning from a dream of running, just running for the joy of it, like I did when I was a kid, feeling the wind whip past, feeling the earth rise up to meet my feet and help me spring into the next leap... I love those mornings, they're like a gift. For those moments as I wake, I'm there, and the rest of the day all I need do is remember, and I feel the same simple joy.

I feel the same sense of springing up when I think about people enjoying the patterns I can create.

7:34pm: Parallels
A Year ago, I lost one of my deepest friends. We didn't live close by anymore, but our relationship stretched back from the time we were babies in the same playpen. As my Mom birthed 3 brothers to me, She and her sisters became MY sisters, as thier only brother became brother to mine. Our families went searching for morels and camped in the spring, spent the long days of summer camping together at a neary lake, Always took a trip to Cedar Point amusement park, and sometimes even went as far afield as the fly-in in Oshkosh Wisconsin. Often, during the worst storms of each Winter, their newest classic car would come toddling up the driveway, having made the journey from more than an hour away in GOOD weather. They were the best kind of nuts :-}

Through it all we girls giggled about boys, shared our crushes on all the unattainable guys in our lives, shared books, and dreams, and pain. As we grew older, our paths each widened and grew apart. In the meantime the eldest of us, Beth, met the love of her life at age 17, married, had children, then died after fighting 12 long years against the cancer that tested her immense strength. I learned so much from her. We who were left greived.

Each time we met, Robynn and I discovered that although separate, we shared some indefinable connection, common threads ran through both our weaves. When we parted, we were both devouring romances (we were MAJOR bibliophiles) when we re-met, we had each discovered a passion for the Darkover world of Marion Zimmer Bradley and ohter fantasy authors like Andre Norton, Anne MacCaffrey... in the next period apart, we each discovered paganism separately, Robynn remained a staunch Christian, but discovered a breadth to her world, and met a man whome she loved dearly, who followed a different path, unlike my own, but with similar pagan shades. THen after being separate for so long, I moved, and we happened to live only 20 minutes apart. We didn't visit that often in person, but we loved our times together. I remember in particular the magical visit to the nearby mounds monument.. All seemed well with us both.

I didn't realize our lives paralleled in a hidden way, we had both fallen in love with dark-souled men. THey were heady combinations of brillinace and insanity. Mine was self medicating with alcohol, which released his beast, which attacked when threatened. After 4 years, I finally escaped, and met my beloved Oscar.

Robynn's man seemed safe, he was brilliant, with interesting oddities, but had a disarming tenderness. His darkness grew hidden within. Until a year ago, when it is suspected he set fire to their home, killing both his wife Robynn and thier son, Joshie. He is in prison awaiting trial.

And the rest of us sorrow, and ask the worst question, one with no answer; "If we had known, could we have saved them?" and its awful companion, "Why didn't I know, having been there myself?".

It was a long long winter, my PTSD came back, and it seemed spring would never come. When the robin-birds finally returned last month, I found myself greeting them as if they were Robynn's representatives. Its most likely coincidence, but it seemed there were more visiting my yard this year, it helped me feel close to her again.

I know everyone says this about those they have lost, but Robynn truly was a being of light, she gave of herself emotionally, bravely, and loved those she came in contact with deeply, even the customers at Bob Evans where she worked for so many years. She touched so many lives in her life. I was so lucky to have known her.

12:06pm: Inch by Inch
Gardening with arthritis is all about that song sang by so many ..

a foot at a time, a plant at a time, I'm going out and weeding, then mulching. Occasionally digging a hole and moving something to a happeir spot, resting in between each expedition to the jungle.

I do LOVE gardening, but I wish I could get the yard done in a day as I used to! well, sorta. Its nice to do a variety of things in a day, too.

I used to go nuts if I had to do the same thing all day every day. These day I spend a bit of time doing ebay work, spend a bit of time doing housework, keep my feet up for the mandatory time catching up on my Stargate and SImply Quilts or reading, and pop out to the garden to try make the wilderness a bit less overwhelming.,. GOod thing I've always hated the manicured look!

Nothing in the house ever gets completely done, but it does make a difference. I feel better knowing I've fought entropy a bit, and it does look better, eventually.

Now that I have a van I can drive, I go out to the food coop and buy more soy milk or Brownies for OScar :-}(I HIGHLY recommend Organic Farms brand soy milk, luscious stuff. I don't like the taste of SIlk, or, since tasting this stuff, 8th continent)

We've broken down and hired someone to mow the lawn. Oscar's hips aren't too great, and he's allergic to grass! He was miserable. Now Lamont and his buddey come and do a great job for $20. THey ar also very careful of my overgrwon flowers and herbs, and mow around them, blessed be!

Well, I have a root canal in mu future (probably at 3:30 this afternoon) so I think I'll go console myself with uprooting baby trees and Creeping charlie around the currants and gooseberries :-}

1:58pm: april in Michigan
I'll let the images speak for themselves.. Think the universe is advising a move to the desert?

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8:39pm: Maunderings Moving and Goals versus Moment
My husband and I need to move, primarily for our health. (the triple A: Arthritis, Asthma and Allergies; combined with Severe S.A.D). ALthough beautiful and green (part of the year) Michigan is definately NOT prime real Estate for these ailments, compared to a nice warm sunny desert clime. I think we are having trouble finding a balance. On one hand, its good to be goal oriented, but what if we work our butts off to save money and fix up the house for sale and STILL aren't able to move, or, worse, we move and we hate it? All that frustration and labor and time spent focused on a future that never came to fruition?
On the other hand, if we concentrate only on the moment, we risk being stuck here in increasing pain and illness until we no longer have the ability to make our livings or move.

SO, I guess the secret is balance. Enjoy the good parts of being here, while saving as much as we can toward the future, whatever it may bring. Work hard at decluttering the house so moving will be that much easier, making repairs and fixing it up for future buyers (with my arthritis I can't stay here too many more years, no room for the wheelchair to come). Educate ourselves, so that whereever we end up, Oscarwill have a degree in management, and I wil become a better and better artit to help contribute to the coffers.

Comforting thought, I've never hated anywhere I've lived. There are lods of those. From the ages of 17 to 38, I moved on the average every 2 years, living in areas as diverse as Japan, California, and INdianapolis. I've aways been able to find SOMETHING I loved about it.

My experince with desert is very positive also. The Saline valley camping adventure was exquisite, and the 110 degree July days in San ANtonio were a cake walk compared to 90 percent humidity in a Michigan August.

First and foremost, I will have the most precious part of home with me, MY husband, and our furkids.

1:34pm: *whew*
Wow. What a few weeks. I took some time off my ebay sales to organize my studio. I hope to sell artsy fartsy stuff instead of only the books we're selling now. I have loads of ideas, and enough interesting crap to get started on the collages and art quilts, but I lack organization and workspace. I plan to sell the items framed, as I've noticed that seems to sell better for other folks. Anyway, I was about 1/3rd done when My folks had a few mishaps. Mom has been recovering from a knee surgery gone wrong (fighting infection and so forth) and Dad was scheduled for his own knee surgery on Tuesday last week. On Wednesday, Mom fell and broke the ball in her shoulder socket in three places and needed emergency surgery. So, I went to stay with them after Mom got out of rehab (the day before Dad got out of the hospital). I just got home yesterday, exhausted and 5 pounds lighter.

Oscar (my husband) held down the fort pretty well while I was gone, but that was the longest we'd been apart since we married and we missed each other.

Spring has AT LAST arrived here. The daffys are blooming nuts all over the place, and the pulmonaria is in blossom too. At least one of my peonies made it, as did a few of the rose bushes. I can only garden about 10 minutes at a time, and I have a tendency to get lost in my work outside and stand for too long.

We are planning ot move to a drier clime, but I know I'll miss my garden. A partial list of my leafy pals:
Germander, french sorrel, madder, cost mary, comfrey, sage, lemon balm, bee balm, hollyhocks, jacob's ladder, heuchera, columbine, pulmonaria, sweet woodruff, wolf bane, daisies, roses, varigated dogwood, peonies, heather (if it made it), vervain, calendula, tulips, daffodils, squill, astilbe, raspberries, boysenberries, currants, gooseberries, lingonberries, strawberries, sweet grass, phlox, iris, day lilies, hostas, borage, lady's mantle, lovage, absinthe wormwood....

Of course, in a warmer area, and with raised beds and drip irrigation, I can grow much of the former list and a few things, like heliotrope, that I can't grow well here.